10 Do's and Don't's for Your First Road Triathlon

Sidelined from running due to continuous hambutt rage, I had the pleasure of cheering for some friends at the Hermosa Beach triathlon yesterday. The race, proclaimed the announcer, had 40% beginner participants--and it showed. But it didn't have to!

While it's true a baggy outfit and a mountain bike might give your newbie status away, these are not egregious errors. In fact, at a race like the Hermosa Beach triathlon, athletes wearing tri suits and aero helmets who are riding carbon fiber beasts with disc wheels are the minority, and look fairly ridiculous.

These guys, however, rarely make the following mistakes that would embarrass them--or even get them disqualified, a fate more embarrassing than the error committed in the first place.

1. DO NOT deck change. There is no need to wrap a towel around your waist and get butt naked in front of thousands of people to change out of your bathing suit and into your underwear. Slap some nylon pants over your suit if you don't want your thighs on display and get to it! (A lot more might be on display if that towel drops!)

(Do NOT do this!)

2. DO NOT wear tighty whities under your spandex shorts. You may think its strange not to wear underwear, but everyone else thinks its stranger to see your Hanes waistband bunched up cotton sticking out of your wet tri shorts. That can't be comfortable, or sanitary.

(Do NOT wear these!)

3. DO wear your helmet. You must have it buckled before you leave transition. If you do not, someone like coachubby might yell at you as you make your way out of transition, and you will have to take the ride of shame back to transition to get it (or get automatically DQed in a non-newbie friendly race...the Hermosa Beach tri is a bit scatterbrained organizationally, so your error might go unpenalized.)

4. DO NOT wear your helmet backwards. I wish I had a camera to take a picture of the girl with the adjustable part of her helmet slapped across her forehead. At least she remembered to put her helmet on!

(Do NOT do this!)

5. DO NOT run with your helmet. The man who crossed the finish line with his helmet in hand either was paranoid it would be stolen out of transition, or was so used to running with an iPod in his hand that he needed something to replace it. (iPods are illegal in triathlons!) Or he forgot to take it off of his head. So don't forget to take your helmet off before you run, unless you're tremendously accident prone.

6. DO ride to the right. Unless you're passing. If you don't, a spectacular collision with that show-off who's riding a carbon fiber, disc-wheeled rig awaits you. Especially at the Hermosa tri, where athletes are constantly siphoning onto the very narrow bike course, and crossing to exit all at the same intersection. Pay attention!

7. DO NOT be afraid to weld your own aerobars. One creative participant fashioned some spectacularly enormous aerobars that had him sitting straight up while keeping his arms in the aero position. Whatever's going to work for you and motivate you to do the race, do it! Unconventional? Yes. Ingenuity points? Definitely.

8. DO shout "On your left!" when passing. Its true that many newbie cyclists will then look left to see you and subsequently steer their bike that way. But it's courteous to let them know you're going to bomb by so they can brace themselves for the powerful gust of wind you'll surely create.

9. DO sprint to the finish. Especially if an opponent is running along side you. It's fun for spectators, and you never know if that other athlete is all that's separating you from a podium finish!

10. DO NOT knock anyone over in your sprint finish. Instead of making an exciting finish, you'll just look like a turd. If you two can't squeeze down the chute side by side, surge ahead, or make a flying leap for the finish line. A jazzy finish will make the crowd go wild.

(DO be like Chrissie Wellington!)

Have fun and don't worry too much! If you keep your wits about you and don't let race day jitters take over, you'll surely have a great first race!

Ironman and Avon Spawn a Fragrance Child

In what seems like quite the unlikely partnership, Ironman and Avon have teamed up to bring us Ironman, "a signature men's fragrance collection". What does it smell like? Sweat and pee?

To anyone who has recently been lamenting the massive commercialization of the Ironman brand (and how commercialization has subsequently deflated the meaning of completing the event...and driven up entry fees to beyond ridiculous prices, like at an amusement park), the launch of an official Ironman stench is like a slap in the face.

To any man hoping to establish a sense of self through the Ironman brand, but who is on the fence about getting inked, the scent may be a godsend; he'll be able to emit "Ironman" more subtly now.

According to Bill Potts, Ironman's VP of Marketing and Business, "The Avon Ironman Collection will provide products for the Ironman in every man." Perhaps this is the fragrance Ironman wannabes will buy on their road to becoming actual Ironmen.

According to Drom fragrance house, the developers of the Ironman fragrance collection, the fragrance

is a victorious fusion of energizing citrus and exotic

spices spiked with rich woods. Top notes of ginger, sparkling lime and

violet mingle with mid notes of nutmeg, rain mist accord and vetiver, and

are grounded in a base of patchouli, cedarwood, wiliwood accord and tree

moss. The star of the collection, the Ironman fragrance, comes in a sleek

yet rugged bottle with an organic feel. The top is designed to look like a

bike grip, one of the disciplines seen in Ironman, evoking the athleticism

that inspires the fragrance. The powerful black-on-black carton features

icons of each of the triathlon sports, with a footprint representing

running, waves representing swimming, and tire tread representing cycling.

The bottle looks like a pock-marked scarab beetle to me.

In conclusion, if you're looking for a new way to emit an eau d'Ironman, because you've already bored friends, family, and coworkers with tales of your Ironman adventures, and showed everyone your M-Dot tattoo, look no further than the Ironman Signature Fragrance Collection. According to the manufacturers, it doesn't smell like sweat and pee after all.

"Why, what is that smell, Fred?"

"That's pure Ironman, baby."

(Pre-Ironman perfume, this response would've been funny. Next spring, it'll be pretentious.)

Manly Ironmen looking to buy the fragrance should contact their Avon representative around May, 2009. Maybe she'll deliver your rugged bottle of man-scent in a pink car.

For more information on this product partnership, read this.

The Knowledge-Anxiety Paradox

A few years ago, I was happily unaware of all of the bad things that could happen to me. I was indestructible, even if other people were not. My favorite daily activity in high school was seeing how fast I could bomb down a steep, residential hill on my mountain bike where the cops had placed a solar-powered speed radar. Cars pulling out of driveways? What was that? If I didn't hit 40 mph, it was a bad day.

Now I am very aware of the damage a vehicle can do to my squishy form. And the damage giant, razor-toothed jaws can do to my sqiushy form. And the damage I seem to do to my squishy form every time I get to the run of an Xterra event. After years of beating myself up, I am massively pissed when any body part retaliates. Just ask my appendix. One uprising from him, and he was permanently exiled.

So now I am anxious thinking about riding my bike around this giant city. It's war. Everything out there is the enemy. Dogs. Squirrels (the former editor of Bicycling caught one in his front wheel and was sent flying over his handlebars). Cars. Joggers. Cops that give tickets for rolling through stop signs when nobody else is there.

I am anxious about swimming in the ocean. My "it'll never happen to me" attitude has been replaced with this logic: mosquitoes prefer me to absolutely every one else around me, so sharks will too.

Paradoxically, these are the exact activities that do away with my anxiety--and the few activities that bring on the wretched feeling in the first place.

On the bike, I am happy. Weightless in the ocean, riding a wave into shore, I am free. Running, well, thanks to Mr. Hambutt, that's not currently an option. But if it were, I'd say it makes me feel powerful and connected to my surroundings.

What is the solution, when swim, bike, run are the only things that engender anxiety in me on a daily basis--and the only things that can take the emotion away?

I could move to a non-urban setting with a lake, thereby doing away with the obstacles that cause anxiety in the first place. Or I can exercise first thing in the morning, before my brain can think of ways my squishy form might be splatted on the road like a can of Jackson Pollock's paint.

It is strange that my actions have stayed the same when the thoughts preceding those actions have changed completely.

I still bomb down hills in an attempt to see how fast I can go, fully knowing that, on a certain road, my bike might somehow vibrate at the exact frequency that will crack the carbon fiber in two and send me flying. Or that someone could whack me with their car.

I still swim in the ocean knowing I could be eaten.

So have I made any progress? Was I worse off before, blissfully ignorant of what might happen? Or am I better off now, totally cognizant of the risks I take, but taking them anyway? The thought process has been altered, but the ultimate outcome in my actions is no different.

And with that, I shall conclude my Tinley-esque rant.

XOXO,

Triathlete Diva

Rock Hard Runners Rarin' to Go!

Do you have chronic running problems? Like a relentless IT band that just won't leave you in peace? Or perpetual slow-runner syndrome? Want to go faster, or run injury free? Maybe it's time you got a professional run analysis.

While your chances of making it to this year's Olympics are over, maybe after receiving the gift that is a professional run analysis, you'll give Gebrselassie a run for his money at the next Olympics, provided it's not too smoggy.

And I know just the man for the job! Standing something like 6'5", 200lbs (I made that up. But he's a tall, muscular runnerman), Eric Skelley of Manhattan Beach is taking his passion for running and using it to help others achieve their fast-footed goals.

Rock Hard Runners is Eric's running company, based in Manhattan Beach, CA, in his garage. And there is absolutely no better place to have a run analysis--or person to do it for you. Skelley's passion oozes through every inch of him, which makes it impossible for any serious runner to be as passionate as he, just based on total human surface area.

Eric will take you through a 10 minute warm-up on his treadmill, then have you run at a comfortable pace while filming you--first from the side, then from the back, then close up on your feet.

Next, he'll have you cool down, then watch yourself on a giant flat screen computer monitor. Get excited, this is your Pam Anderson in Baywatch moment. Your movements will be shown in slo-mo and analyzed. Right away, you'll probably see what you're doing wrong. (And if your shorts really aren't that flattering.)

After figuring out what you need to work on so you can have your showdown with Gebrselassie in 2012, Eric will teach you core strengthening techniques that will not only flatten your abs in no time, giving you a flashy figure, but also help make you a stronger, faster runner.

What sets Rock Hard Runners apart from the rest? The man, and the location. Several other run-analysis companies in Los Angeles are incredibly corporate. They run you through the gammut, comment on your form, show you the video, and give you exercises. But could they care less if you actually get better? I got the feeling from one Santa Monica-based company that they wanted me to stay miserably mired in IT problems forever so they could prescribe their expensive run-specific weight-training packages to me in the future.

Eric and Rock Hard Runners is different.

Eric's "runner's den" is a very casual environment a few blocks away from the beach, and all the attractions Manhattan Beach has to offer. And, most importantly, the sole focus of your analysis is YOU. There is nobody else there, just you and the original Rock Hard Runner himself, who has a genuine desire to see you succeed as a runner. His enthusiasm for the sport is almost tangible.

Eric, a native of Pennsylvania, is a 3x Ironman finisher, and finisher of the annual 50-mile endurance run on Catalina Island, one of the toughest out there. A big proponent of strength training to stabilize your core to help you run faster and more efficiently, Eric has developed some super secret signature moves that you won't believe you were able to run without. (He's also an ER nurse, so if you happen to, I don't know, fall off of the treadmill, help is an arm's reach away.)

So if you're looking to amp up your run, without feeling like you're just another wanna-be athlete hanging out in a cold, impersonal gym, where it's the bottom line and not you who matters, GO TO ROCK HARD RUNNERS! It's all about you, and pure passion for the sport.

So refreshing.

XOXO,

Triathlete Diva

PS. If you want to meet Eric, email me! (Contact info is in the right-hand column.)

How Long is Too Long to Wear Your Ironman Wristband?

This question is more complicated than it seems, as there is no concrete answer. Sure, pros might tell you it's ridiculous to wear the little plastic thing a day after the race is over. But those guys are just going to get another wristband in a few months, and probably already have an arsenal of M-Dot glory in the form of giant paychecks, and trophies. Age groupers can keep the wristband on to prolong their Ironman experience, which more than likely only comes once a year, or once in a lifetime.

Many factors contribute to the final decision to remove the wristband, including, but not limited to:

• M-Dot tattoos. If you already have one, the wristband is overkill. Unless it's a pretty color and you're keeping it on for fashion reasons, in which case don't be surprised if Stacy and Clinton from TLC's What Not To Wear show up at your door uninvited and ream you for more than just your wristband transgression. They might even slay you for your Crocs.


• Size. If the kind volunteer who put yours on made it too loose, it's bound to get all wrinkly and warped faster than if it fits nice and snug. When it looks like a piece of trash is on your left wrist, it's time to let it go.


• Color. This year's sparkly silver bands look much more like jewelry than IMAZ's hot green one from '07, making it easier to slip by your boss, clients, wife, etc...


• Meaning. If the Ironman's over but you still can't let it go, and don't want to commit to a tattoo, keep the bracelet on for a while. After about a week, it'll loose the writing, and become a personal symbol of triumph. Of course, if your motivation in keeping the thing on is to brag, you probably felt blessed to get the hot green wristband. However, after a few weeks, people will start asking what club was so cool that getting in warranted wearing the wristband for weeks--or even months. To which you can reply, "Ironman, baby!" (If you haven't already read the 6-step guide "How to Brag About Doing an Ironman, read it here.")


• IM quantity. A newly anointed Ironman will be more apt to wear the bracelet longer, get the tattoo, and wear all of his finisher gear every day. This fact is based on no scientific data whatsoever, just pure observation and experience. I kept my first IM bracelet on, in all of its hot green glory, from the day of the race until I had to cut it off for engagement photos or forever endure the wrath of my very fashionable mother. That was an entire 6 months. And to go completely "Clarissa Explains it All", I didn't take any race bracelets off for the entire year. (She had at least 3 large watches on her wrist in every episode. I thought she was so cool.) My left wrist was entirely impenetrable to the sun and looked like another person's skin when they all came off, making some interesting formal photos.

So to wear your wristband or to not wear your wristband? It's a very personal decision that cannot be taken lightly. Once you cut that sucker off, there's no getting it back.

Are you wearing it to brag? Alternatives to keeping your wristband on for bragging purposes are stocking up on temporary M-Dot tattoos (then putting them in very obvious places), wearing finisher stuff everywhere, or getting inked.

If you're just keeping it on for self-empowerment purposes, you could consider getting some temporary tattoos, and putting them in places only you see (oh la la!), drawing a little M-Dot on yourself somewhere with a Sharpie, wearing M-Dot socks, or not-so-subtly uploading your finisher photos to Facebook and setting the IM album to allow anybody and everyone on the net see it. For indirect bragging, Facebook's where it's at.

Happy training!

XOXO,

TriDiva

PS. Mine's still on from June...

Pacific Palisades School Puts on 6th Grade Triathlon, TriDiva Jealous

If my 6th grade class had had triathlon as part of the curriculum, I'm convinced I'd be a much faster, meaner competitor in the leagues of Michellie and Chrissie by now. Instead, I discovered triathlon long after I might have chosen CU Boulder over my triathlon team-less artsy NY College. At least they let me swim and run there despite my less-than-collegiate level of skill, which might've come if I had gotten a taste of triathlon at the much more impressionable age of 11.

In five or six years, the 6th grade graduates of Seven Arrows Elementary School in CA's Pacific Palisades neighborhood will kick my bum. And I am proud I might have had something to do with the development of their need for speed and congenial competition.

At approximately 1:05pm today, 11 brave and well-trained 6th graders dove into the pool of Santa Monica's swanky private beach club, The Jonathan Club. Since none of the volunteers culled from the LA Triathlon Club were allowed within the walls (sponsor-laden spandex probably isn't a part of the dress code), nobody knows how far they swam for certain. Sources say 150 yards, so that's what we'll go with.

The kids had been training for this race every Saturday morning for almost three months with LA TriFit owners Gina and Bernard Baski. So when they ran to T1, where their pink mountain bikes, bmx bikes, and cruisers with glittery saddles were waiting for them, they were ready for the challenging 2-mile ride down the bike path to Temescal Canyon. At T2, a large LA TriClub trailer gobbled up the bikes, and the kids were off to the treacherous crossing of Pacific Coast Highway.

(Sweet Bike in Transition)

When the light turned green, I realized my protégée, Rachael, was going to kick my butt. She took off, showing unbelievable speed and grit for someone her size. She was angry because some kids made it through the light before we did, and we had to wait an entire traffic cycle to cross ourselves. She was determined to make up for lost time. I was determined to not let her break away from me, lest I relinquish my Ironman hat at the finish line after being beat by someone 1/3 my size.

(Waiting at PCH & Temescal)

The run was brutal--straight up Temescal Canyon. Parents and teachers cheered on the competitors, who all wore green t-shirts specially created for the event. Some moms held out water cups. I drafted off Rachael. We were cookin'.

(Run up Temescal)

Just at the end, she darted into an alleyway and went off course. "Rachael!" I yelled. "This way!" But she was already gone. So after her I went, only to discover she knew better than I did--she found a new way back, and had me chasing after her when she entered the finishing chute, lined by cheering parents and classmates.

"She kicked your butt," another volunteer said grinning.

"Should I take off my hat?" I said.

I had asked another 6th grade girl how she felt as we were running up Temescal Canyon.

"I feel terrible! This hurts!" she replied, still jogging.

"Triathlon's tough, but it's fun when you finish!" I offered.

She didn't seem too convinced at the time, but she and the other 10 kids were overjoyed when they crossed the finish line into the arms of adoring younger schoolmates and parents. And bless their little hearts, they all went around to shake every volunteer's hand to say "Thank You", radiating happiness out of their sweaty cherubic faces.

The triathlon was only half an hour long, but I'm sure the experience made an impression on several of those kids. I'm off to train, so when Rachael goes to Wildflower in 10 years, I'll be able to give her a run for her money. Unless, of course, she goes pro.

(Volunteers)

How To Train for the Triathlon Start

Cliff Bar did a kick arse commercial about training for a triathlon--in particular the kicking, pulling, pushing, and general butt kicking that goes on in the beginning of the swim. Never before has this segment of the race been so perfectly demonstrated. If you haven't already seen this clip, check it out now! It'll make your day.

Watch it HERE!

Happy Training!

Triathlon Inspirational Quotes

Need a little oomph to get you out there today? Whether you're biking, running, or swimming aujourd'hui, here are some awesome quotes to get you going--or to think about while you're sweating away! Because you're not the only one who's ever pondered the beauty of the bicycle...

• When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race. -H.G. Wells


• The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community. -Ann Strong


• "I'm going to go out a winner if I have to find a high school race to win my last race." - Johnny Gray (TriDiva isn't sure that one is always true...high schoolers can be wicked fast!)


• "Tough times don't last but tough people do." - A.C. Green


• H2O: two parts Heart and one part Obsession. -Author Unknown


• Nothing compares to the simple pleasure of a bike ride. -John F. Kennedy


• "There are clubs you can't belong to, neighborhoods you can't live in, schools you can't get into, but the roads are always open." - Some ad guru for Nike


• Chlorine is my perfume. -Author Unknown


• The sound of a car door opening in front of you is similar to the sound of a gun being cocked. -Amy Webster (Ok, not so inspirational...but true!)


• When the earth floods from global warming, the swimmers will rule the world. -Author Unknown


• What do you call a cyclist who doesn't wear a helmet? An organ donor. -David Perry (Cover your noggin!)


• "Multisport without the swim is like a date without the sex." -Mike Collier


• "EAT RIGHT. GET LOTS OF SLEEP. DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. GO LIKE HELL." -another Nike marketing guru


• "If it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger." -Nietzsche


• "I am the greatest. I'm a machine." -great mantra to repeat to oneself, learned from a sleepover camp counselor


• "The best rides are the ones where you bite off much more than you can chew--and live through it." -Doug Bradbury


• "It never gets easier, you just go faster." - Greg LeMond


• "I have met my hero, and he is me." - George Sheehan (Repeat to self at least once a day. Very good for you.)


• "Pain is only temporary." Also good to repeat to self. Like in hour 3 of long run or ride.

No go out there and hit the road/path/pool and kick some mega butt! You rock!

PS. If you want more, check out these sites:

cycling quotes, running quotes, quotes for everything (type in your favorite sport!)

Getting Up Early Got Your Goat?

In the nascent stages of your trigeek life, a 4:30am wake-up call was simply insane. 4:30! Why would I have to get up at 4:30?! It's still dark. 4:30 still qualifies as night! Even after years of training, those 4:30 wake-up calls still haven't gotten any easier.

But, in the best interest of forming your awesomely bulging muscles, and stimulating that metabolism that has others wondering where that 20oz turkey sandwich you had as a "snack" at 10:30am went, 4:30am is a necessity. Or maybe for you, it's 4...or 5...still, it's pretty freakin' early. And right now, it's also pretty freakin' cold.

Here are some suggestions to help get you up and going, when everyone else you know is dreaming of sugar plums...or something like that:

• set your alarm for the latest time you can possibly get up and meet your buddies/make it to practice. DON'T do the snooze thing. That just cuts into time you could've been at REM instead of lying there dreading the 3rd time your alarm goes off.


• DON'T drink caffeine. Or, if you must have coffee to be a productive / kind member of society, please do, just not for several hours before you go to bed. Let's say 5. That looks like a good number.


• Give yourself a treat for waking up. No, not the Rice Krispy kind. Say you're going to swim practice. When you get up, think of that super cute guy/girl on your Master's team. Because you got your butt up so early, you get to ogle this person in their tiny bathing suit at every rest interval. Or, if you're lucky enough to swim the same pace as they do, you get to swim behind them all of practice. Maybe they'll even talk to you!


• think of all that time between now and when you have to go to work. That's a lot of you time before you have to give yourself up to the corporate infrastructure. Excellent.


• picture the amazing body you are building. Think about all that body fat you are widdling away. Those bulging biceps. Think of all that time you're shaving off everything--minutes off your swim, bike and run. You will dominate this year! And all thanks to your special morning wake up time.


• it gives you bragging rights at work. When your coworkers meander in at 15 minutes late at 10:15, apologizing because they couldn't get up, just say, "Oh, that's ok. I got up at 4:30 and worked out for 4 hours. I didn't think I'd make it in time, either!" (Or something equally as subtle.)

Be proud of yourself! As you know, early to bed, early to rise...makes a triathlete healthy, wealthy, and gives him/her great thighs!