Tuesday, July 10, 2007

How NOT To Swim in Your Gym's Pool

Sometimes, that 4:30am wake up call for masters swimming just makes you want to smash your alarm clock and sleep until 4:30am the next morning. If you have a membership to a gym with a pool, maybe you'll tell yourself you can swim there later. Back to sleep!

But once you arrive at the gym, you remember exactly why you would rather miss sleep to swim masters than do a gym swim. Share this list of NOT TO's with your fellow gym swimmers to ensure a better experience for all (or, heck, post it in your gym and see how long it stays up!):

  1. Do not pee in the pool. It is already uncomfortably hot. You do not need to warm yourself up.

  2. Do not swim breast stroke like you must try to push off of both side walls to make yourself go forward. You will kick someone, and they might kick back.

  3. Do not act disgusted when a swimmer on a kick set splashes your carefully pinned up bouffant. You got in the pool. It has water in it. You are going to get wet.

  4. Do not swim back stroke unless you have the magical power to swim in a straight line, or unless your pool is indoors and you can guide yourself along a crack in the roof. You will run into someone. They might kick you.

  5. Do not try to time your push off with that of the hot triathlete next to you. It is hardly laudable to beat them across the pool when they're swimming an easy 50 and you are sprinting.

  6. Do not steal any pull buoy located on deck in your vicinity. Someone brought it there to use. Just because they don't have it shoved between their thighs at this instant doesn't mean they're not going to use it.

  7. Do not comment on the massive amount of leg hair or "Sasquatch" legs that one female swimmer has. It has a purpose. It is called "drag". She shaves only for races. Capisce?

  8. Do not start up a conversation with someone who is obviously watching the clock. They are on "intervals". They will only have 5 seconds to catch their breath before they go out again. "Hi" is the only appropriate thing to say at this time.

  9. Do not bring your kid and tell him he can play "lie on the bottom of the pool and look up at the swimmers." Yes, it can be amusing. But he also looks like he's drowned, and said swimmers will feel obligated to skip an interval to grab your kid.

  10. Do not try to circle swim. Each lane is good for 2 people only. Split it up and swim back and forth. It's highly unlikely you're going to swim at the same pace as that other random gym swimmer.

Happy Sleeping-In and Gym Swimming!

No comments:

Post a Comment