Sunday, June 15, 2008

Beware Your Back Sweat!

Sweaty Cyclist

Back sweat is inevitable in triathlon training. It's gonna happen. It's gonna stink. It causes some dudes backne, and makes shirts stick to you like plastic wrap. None of these back sweat symptoms are anything to loose sleep over.

However, there are other unspoken problems directly caused by back sweat that will bring you grief. Did you know back sweat has been known to destroy precious electronics, like that kick ass Blackberry Pearl your brother handed down to you at Christmas to replace the embarrassing brick you had been carrying around since, gasp!, before Y2K!?

Picture this: you're far far away on a creepy mountain climb all by yourself because you're not just hill training, you're brain training. You have, however, intelligently placed your swanky new cell phone in your jersey pocket just in case Hannibal Lecter rides by on a speeding motorcycle and stops up the road. (Or, you know, you flat twice, but how often does that happen?)

You decide to call (insert someone who is aware of this psycho workout you have gone on here) just to let him know that you’ll be home early because you’re kicking so much ass (or, you know, because that massive unexpected Sunday canyon parade held you up).

You whip out your super-cool new phone that’s shiny and remembers your text messages like conversations and holds way more phone numbers than you’ll ever need (or will you? You social animal!). And then something happens that stops your heart. The screen looks normal…but the keys don’t function.

Pink blackberry pearl(<--sissy phone)

You get it to make a call, then your phone starts dialing every number you’ve ever dialed—and you can’t hang up! And you can’t get it to call the one number you wanted to dial! You remove the battery and SIM card, restart the mini computer, then try again. It’s even more schizo now than before! Oh no, could it have gotten a bug?

Oh no, my fellow triathlete, what happened to your new friend/status symbol is far more serious and cannot be cured by the common Geek Squad member. Your phone has become a victim of your own BACK SWEAT! Ahhhhhhhhh!

How to combat this terrible affliction? Certainly, you can’t rub antiperspirant all over your back. There must be several physicians who would advise against that…and you might OD on the Original Old Spice scent and pass out.

The solution, my friends, is simple: Ziploc snack bags. It’s a secret that’s been held by endurance cyclists since the beginning of time (or since the invention of the pocket-sized cell phone). Pop your precious lifeline in one, zip it up, then feel free to ride on whatever creepy route you wish. (Cell phone service not guaranteed.)

Original nokia cell phone(<-- indestructible brick)

I hope this reaches you before you unwittingly destroy something super expensive like an iPhone with your sweaty back. If you have been riding around with a Nokia from 10 years ago like I had, it is my sad duty to inform you that cell phones are not made like they used to be. You cannot drop them, sweat on them, or use them as a weapon as in old times. They are delicate microcomputers that are sensitive to even the slightest change in atmosphere.

So…zip ‘em up. And keep on sweating!



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