Having binged on wedding shows like "Bridezillas" and "Whose Wedding is it Anyway" and "Say Yes to the Dress" for a month prior to my own wedding, I'm quite aware that many brides become some very twisted monster versions of themselves in the week leading up to their big day. I have a solution for this problem: Ironman training. That's right, if you train intensely for an Ironman triathlon in the week leading up to your strut down the aisle, you just might be so high on endorphins, and so spaced from lack of sleep, that you just might become your wedding planner and your bridesmaid's favorite bride ever. You might also shock the people around you with the amount of food you eat on and around your wedding day. Here's how:
Wedding date: March 29, 2008
Wedding Week:
Saturday, March 22
Ride 106 miles with at least 10,000 ft of elevation gain. Ditch husband-to-be when he gets his third flat and has exhausted all of your training group's supplies. Ride 2.5 hours home to potentially get car. Call mom worried that you've lost your future husband. Make mother wonder if wedding will be called off. Go for a 20 minute run while praying coachancé will be at home when you return. Rejoice that your husband-to-be found a friendly red Mustang owner who gave him a lift to the closest bike shop. The wedding is still on!
Sunday, March 23
Drive 7 hours with a whiny, poopy cat-dog while paying meticulous attention to the pooper's aim. NOT ON THE DRESS! Put bikes on top because dress takes up entire trunk of truck. Park truck in front of Denny's window so as to monitor 2 tri bikes, worth infinitely more than vehicle. And to make sure poopy cat-dog is not abducted. The joke, however, would be on the abductors. Say hi to parents, dump luggage all over their home, ride 1.5 hours, then go for the most painful 1 hour run you have ever been on, since it is the longest run you've done since you ran the most difficult marathon you've ever run exactly one week ago.
Monday, March 24
Swim 4000 yards in a masochistic set invented by your spouse of the immediate future. Take a dance lesson. Realize that people on "Dancing with the Stars" should never be laughed at. Take exactly 1 hour to do a box step in unison, with a dip at the end for the "WOW!" factor. Sit in Maricopa County government office for an eternity while the single person working there handles everyone and their mother's passport and marriage license applications. Get told the church seal and a letter from a Deacon is not good enough for proof that you can enter into a covenant marriage. It must be notarized. Take the standard license and realize you'll now have to drive another 14 hours round trip with poopy dog-cat to change the stupid thing. Ride bike for 1 hour and run for 20 minutes out of frustration.
Tuesday, March 25
Swim another masochistic 4000 yards. All swimming must be crammed into 2 days to avoid any reaction with your natural blonde hair that will be "enhanced" later this morning. Have stylist who will be styling you and your bridesmaids on Saturday cut your hair. Talk about triathlon the entire time because stylist is doing her first--an Olympic distance race in Baja--soon. Note to self that your mother found the coolest stylist ever. Blow off 3 hour ride scheduled for afternoon. Chill at the homestead. Go with mother for her final dress fitting after Bridal Couture in the Scottsdale Pavillions screwed up 4 previous fittings over the course of 4 months. Destiny's Bride in the Borgata fixed it in a jiffy. She looks amazing.
Wednesday, March 26
Ride 60 miles on a hilly desert road with coachancé. Last call for spending time with coachancé before he parts to pick up buddies and stay in hotel with them. Upon realizing that all the looping back coachancé did because you are too slow gained coachancé an extra 2 miles, jump back on your bike to ride the remaining 2 miles. Feed. Check out the Mini Clubman with padre who believes it is the coolest car ever. Agree that it might grow on you. Say the BMW M5 downstairs might just outdo the Clubman for coolest car in the building.
Thursday, March 27
Ride 60 miles mostly flat. Run a little bit. Get the sports massage you've desperately wanted for at least 8 months. Think what a tragedy it is that tomorrow you will destroy the blissful feeling of non-kinky muscles by running a lot. Join madre and padre to deliver welcome bags for out-of-town guests. Pick up 2 bridesmaids from the airport. Eat dinner while another bridesmaid comes over. Go on a pickup party for 4th bridesmaid. Talk a lot and revel in your supreme happiness that all of your favorite people are all with you at once. Don't sleep very much because it's a sleep over.
Friday, March 28th
Wake up at 6 after not sleeping. Quietly sneak out of house with camelbac and GUs. Run to, then up and over, Camelback Mountain. Peer down from top of mountain at wedding location. Find it funnily appropriate that you're wearing a camelbac to run over Camelback. Run home to find bridesmaids eating breakfast, awaiting your return on front porch. Wear matching flip flops to salon to have nails and toenails beautified with bridesmaids. Gossip. Eat a beautiful brunch set up by the best mother in the world, complete with pink and green cupcakes. Take bridesmaids to hotel. Get ready for rehearsal dinner at a hot pizza joint. Put on tightest, hot-pinkest dress known to mankind. Make grand entrance. Rehearse wedding. Eat lots of pizza and revel in your supreme happiness that all of your best friends and family are all together in the same place at the same time. Realize no party will ever be this cool--except for the wedding!
Saturday, March 29th
WEDDING!!!
to be continued
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