Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Letter to All Homicidal School Bus Drivers (Cycling and Road Rage)

Assuming your homicidal tendencies are spur-of-the-moment, and not premeditated, please read the following in an effort to tame your unpredictable road transgressions in order to keep your job, and to not profoundly screw up the lives of the kindergarteners you seem to think will be in deep shit if they are not at school at exactly 8am.
  1. Your school bus is big. Maybe you're pissed because you haven't graduated to driving the superlong bus yet, but it's still big. Too big to pass cyclists on downhill turns with no shoulder without crossing the double yellow lines. Wait your turn.
  2. If you do not wait your turn, you will kill someone. Someone cute and blonde who is hell bent on living to 100 years old, exactly, and still has a good 3/4 of her life left to do so.
  3. If you kill this girl, who was responsibly wearing a bright colored vest, and even a blinky and reflective tape, your kindergarteners will see it all happen.
  4. If your kindergarteners see it happen, they will be traumatized for life. And their loaded parents (you were picking kids up in Palos Verdes, after all) will see to it that you'd have been better off being suicidal rather than homicidal.
  5. If you don't hit this girl, but come within a hair of doing so and run her off of the road, she will scream obscenities and raise fingers at you in front of all of the kids when she catches up to you at a red light. You will be responsible for explaining why little Timmy is now calling everyone an "asshole" and raising his middle finger while waving his forearm back and forth for emphasis.
  6. If the girl does catch up with you at the light, isn't that proof that simply waiting for a big old straight away wouldn't have put you behind schedule, negating the need for your temporary homicidal tenancies, and the conversation you'll be having shortly with Timmy's pissed off teachers?
Driving a school bus must be tough. Kids scream and stuff. But they'll scream more if a bloody body is splattered across your windshield. Promise. Plus, as much as you, the homicidal school bus driver, want to loose your job, do you really want to at this moment? You certainly won't graduate to "personal limo driver of the stars" if your homicide is carried through.

Thank you.

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