MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas! In case you're one of those people that plans on sending your Christmas cards, like say, tomorrow, and blaming your lateness on the mail (hey, it's the thought that counts, right? There's no deadline for spreading Christmas cheer!), check out this website.

They have more triathlon related holiday cards than you'll know what to do with.

But you know what you should do with them...send them to ALL of your buddies. The coolness of the cards and the genuineness of your written sentiments will surely make your non-tri buddies scrap all other New Year's resolutions in favor of something triathlon related! Really! It's been tri-ed and proven true! (The author of that corny joke has been sacked.)

So Merry Christmas! Drink your egg nog, eat your figgy pudding, and make sure it clears through you before setting out on your run tomorrow!

XOXO

Triathlete Diva

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas! In case you're one of those people that plans on sending your Christmas cards, like say, tomorrow, and blaming your lateness on the mail (hey, it's the thought that counts, right? There's no deadline for spreading Christmas cheer!), check out this website.

They have more triathlon related holiday cards than you'll know what to do with.

But you know what you should do with them...send them to ALL of your buddies. The coolness of the cards and the genuineness of your written sentiments will surely make your non-tri buddies scrap all other New Year's resolutions in favor of something triathlon related! Really! It's been tri-ed and proven true! (The author of that corny joke has been sacked.)

So Merry Christmas! Drink your egg nog, eat your figgy pudding, and make sure it clears through you before setting out on your run tomorrow!

XOXO

Triathlete Diva

Friday TriFunnies!

A few jokes to get you through your last day of work before a weekend of Christmas craziness and celebration begins! Check out some other funny trijokes here.

A Froggy Story

A man was out jogging in the forest one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man replied, "Look, I'm a Triathlete. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A Bicycle Story

A triathlete was walking around in town one day when his friend, another triathlete, rode up on an incredible shiny new bike.

The first chap was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a fantastic bike?"

The friend replied, "Well, yesterday I was out running in the forest just minding my own business when this beautiful woman rode up to

me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"

The first chap nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Hahahahaha! Happy Friday!

Things Every Triathlete Should Be Thankful For this Xmas

1. Your friends and family aka. fan club who will cheer for you for an entire 5+ hour race, and still talk to you and love you after you brag constantly, talk numbers for hours (well, I swam a 30:12, but X went a 28:35, but I beat him on the run...), and complain about how sore you are, even though they're thinking on the inside, "you did it to yourself!"

2. Carbon fiber...everything

3. Spandex...everything (including Speedo Runs in very public places)

4. The fact that Jelly Beans and candy bars can be counted as essential nutrient-delivering items, because you're "training"

5. Your metabolism. Bring on the Egg Nog!

6. Warm outdoor pools on cold days. Steamy.

7. Seeing the sun rise on bike rides (makes you forget you can't feel your hands, feet, face...or entire body)

8. Snot rockets

9. Strategically placed portapotties

10. Training buddies...

• with nice butts


• who bring extra food, lest you bonk


• who are very positive


• who will do your "only 25 more miles" loop with you for only a pint of beer in return


• who wear very funny looking outfits...like guys who wear white cycling shorts

When You're Not Worth $1

The entire holiday season is usually a time for sharing, generosity, and otherwise doing good deeds we were all too Scroogilicious to do throughout the rest of the year.

Following in this holiday spirit, most companies choose to reward their employees, whether with bonuses, raises, chocolate, cars, whatever.

But what can you do when your company refuses to even give you a $1 per hour raise? It's definitely not too good for the ego. Certainly not too good for employee morale. In fact, something like that might make a person "go postal". So, short of doing something eternally damning, what can you do to cheer back up--and not miss any workouts due to "seasonal boss-induced depression" (it's real!). Here are some suggestions:

• pee in your boss's mullet wig (obviously, there are some restrictions to this one...like your boss has to have a mullet wig, and you have to somehow obtain it from his pointy head)


• cry into the arms of someone who loves you (a much better suggestion...soothing, although hardly revenge-oriented)


• eat a Gingerbread house with someone who loves you (the "with someone who loves you" is key, here. You don't want to consume an entire house on your own. It'll only make you feel worse.)


• cry to your Madre, explaining that an extra $1 per hour would've amounted to $160 per month which is almost the price of a triathlon these days. Because you refuse to do "sprint" distance triathlons because they are for wussies and people who run well. You don't run well. You don't do anything well. You are very very sad and want to crawl into a hole. To which the desired response is: "Oh, honey. I love you. I'll sponsor your next triathlon. You do do things well. Very well, indeed."


• lift weights. And do the grunting thing the big boys do to annoy everyone in the gym. Your stored up anger will ensure an incredibly successful lifting session, and the grunts will satisfy your desire to piss someone off. (Unless you are a pacifistic kind of fella, in which case, most of this list will be utterly useless for you...but most triathletes are competitive. And challenging their ability to pay for races and other triathlon-related items is like having John Mayer challenge Hulk Hogan to a wrestling match. The challenger is gonna get it!)


• Be thankful that Christmas is right around the corner, so someone will be around who loves you, who wants to give you things, and who will help you map out a game plan to a kick-butt season and a happier "daytime job" life!

Holiday SPEEDO Run Redux

So, as a true fun-loving, spandex-loving, self-loving triathlete, you should've been at the Speedo Run last Saturday. But if you weren't (and there really is no excuse), here's whatcha missed (click link for more photos!):

(And if you were, see if you can find yourself in the photos!)

-several hard-bodied, potentially inebriated individuals, young and old, singing Christmas carols and bringing holiday cheer to everyone on the 3rd Street Prominade in Santa Monica, including some overly-happy homeless people, and a young boy who cried as he tore off his pants to join in the festivities, "This is what I was born to do!" Said speedorunners then returned back to their headquarters to enjoy much revelry and holiday spirits and linger in their typically inappropriate attire a little longer / check each other out.

There is truly no better excuse to fill yourself with holiday spirits before 1pm than this event. Yes, that includes any football/basketball/macho man games on tv!

A Website Every Triathlete MUST SEE!

You know how it is. You start out on your run happy and psyched about what you're going to accomplish. After a few minutes, the scenery begins to blur, your body's rythms all sync together. Your mind floats. You're "in the zone". Then all of the sudden...what's that! Your stomach is a little achey. Perhaps you cramp up a bit. Your breathing shortens, and it's not because you're cruising at a fast pace. Something is seriously wrong.

What is it?

Potential heart attack? Muscle spasm? Ruptured spleen?

No, no and no!

You have to poo!

But where to go! You frantically search for a bush, a friendly looking home...anything! If you're in the city, finding a good poo place is an extremely daunting task best left to only the most seasoned runners. (If you're trail running, you're lucky!)

But wait! Betcha never thought of reversing this scavenger hunt! Well, the folks at the Sprinkle Brigade did. That's right! While you were on your frantic search to dump, they were hot on your tail, ready to turn your launched missile into ephemeral works of art! Just kidding. They usually follow dogs. But it wouldn't be surprising if they'd trailed a triathlete once in a while.

Here are a few of our favorites from their gallery:

Check out the rest of their gallery here. Perhaps you're responsible for one of their masterpieces!

SNEAK PEEK! TriDiva does Arizona!

From the super secret vaults of Triathlete Diva's IMAZ extravaganza book: How to explain the goal of an Ironman to people who don't ride their bike hundreds of miles for fun. Read on!

Breaking the News to Mom and Dad

When I first told my mom I was going to do an Ironman, she freaked out. Unlike most people who respond with "Wow" or "Impressive," my mom asked "Why?" "Because I can" was my response. I like to consider myself an endurance athlete and tend to beat more people the longer a race goes, so by doing one of the longest races mankind's come up with yet, I should beat scores of people in Arizona. Awesome.

Then it came. The lecture I knew I had in store for me. It was the same one I got when I told her I wanted to run my first half marathon. And my second and my third and my fourth. This is how it usually breaks down:

Me: Mom, I'm going to run a half marathon.

Mom: Why on God's earth would you want to do that?

Me: Because I can.

Mom: You'll get diabetes.

Extremely Stupid things to Do When You're Sick and Have Any Intention of Getting Better...But Totally Worth It

1. Hang out with a friend you haven't seen in a year, go see a movie at 10:40pm, then continue to gossip and talk until 3am.

2. Start drinking at 1:30pm the next day, then strip down until you're only wearing a Speedo and a smile, and run around outside in rainy 60 degree weather in a very public area singing Christmas carols for 30 minutes. Continue to drink and socialize with other nearly naked people afterward.

3. Decide the Speedo Run didn't count as your "long run" as you so funnily said while drunk earlier, and embark on your long run in the pouring rain in the dark. Run approximately 10 miles at what you thought was a lightening fast pace, only to realize according to your fancy watch that it was the alcohol allowing you to believe such nonsense.

4. Take a shower, then meet up with boyfriend and his crazy college pals for an evening of more drinking, and dancing until 2am.

5. Decide even though you're coughing up a storm every time you stop moving and you're beat and buzzed, that you are somehow still sexy enough to pull off new hot panties bought earlier with long lost girlfriend and use them to seduce boyfriend. Do naughty things.

6. Sleep for approximately 6 hours, then decide it's time for a long ride. Since long ride buddies never called you back (probably also drunk from the night before, which is why they're your buddies, but they're giving into the hangover), ride 105 miles solo. Then run for 20 minutes slower than a toddler learning how to walk "just to see if you can". Wonder how the hell you're going to squeeze 24.7 more miles out of yourself in 3.5 months.

7. Sit and gorge self on giant Vons sandwiches and the gingerbread house you swore you wouldn't touch until at least after Christmas while frozen with post-workout freezies, then take shower and pass out for exactly 30 minutes. Why not longer? You've got places to be!

8. Dress up as girly as possible to counteract an entire day of sweating and shooting snot on yourself and across your face. Attempt to be incredibly hot despite inability to keep eyes open or head up so boyfriend can brag to college buddies. Drink a Red Bull so you're awake enough to get to the bar/restaurant where they are waiting for you.

9. Cheer as boyfriend and college buddies tear up the karaoke scene.

10. Drink some more.

11. Somewhere in there, lose your cell phone.

12. Pass out and drool on boyfriend.

Surgeon TriDiva's Warning: Activities above are listed only for reference. When combined with potential pneumonia and a desire to not be sick anymore, it is highly likely you will suffer for your free-spirited acts in the future.

How to Brag About Doing an Ironman

For those of you who thought you could only brag AFTER the race...think again! Check out this guide to being the most boastful, proud person you can possibly be! (Come on, you didn't just sign up or complete an Ironman with no intention of letting everyone you know know about your athletic prowess!)

For the original article, click here.

Here is is reprinted:

Before I started to train an Ironman, I bought a training plan; I read books on hydration and fuel replacement, I listened to endless hours of advice from elite and pro triathletes. This information did help me finish, but it did not teach me how to correctly brag about being an Ironman.

My friends and I came up with a six phase program which will aid you in bragging about your Ironman . Use this plan from the moment you register until well after the race is complete for the most bang for your bragging buck.

Sign Up Phase: For most Ironman events, you have to register up to one year in advance. This gives you plenty of time to brag about doing an Ironman. During this phase, you must let all of your non-Ironman friends know you can't hang out with them anymore, because you just signed up for an Ironman. If you don't have any Ironman friends, then go to a place where runners or bikers hang out. Look for the Ironman

symbol (M Dot) on their training clothes. An Ironman would never be caught running or biking without their Ironman stuff.

Training Phase: Training for an Ironman can be compared to having a part time job. You must let everyone you meet know this. This can be accomplished by sighing loudly at work, mumbling how tired you are because you just biked 100 miles, because you are in training for an Ironman. You can also skillfully steer the conversation with your neighbors and co-workers to your Ironman training. Here is an example:

Holiday SPEEDO Run!

If you live in the greater LA area, you have NO excuse not to do this tomorrow. Even if you happen to be sickety sick. And if you don't live in LA, book your plane ticket now! There is no better event around to flaunt your sexy hard triathlete body and help children AND scare innocent holiday shoppers!

Les Details:

• WHEN: TOMORROW, December 16, 2006


• WHERE: Meet at 1pm at Ye Olde King's Head Bar, 116 Santa Monica Blvd (btwn Ocean & 2nd St.)


• Run begins at 2, but maybe you'll want to warm up with some strong egg nog first...just a thought

Here's a link to the official site, and a picture of the madness from years past:

If you don't instantly get excited at any frivolous opportunity to wear spandex and run around sweaty and half-naked in the off season, something has gone majorly wrong with your triathlete wiring!

Being Sickety Sick Sick & Fun Stuff to Fix It

Being sick stinks. Being a sick triathlete stinks even more. Pourquoi? Well, my Type-A friends, who really wants to miss a workout? And how do you know when to draw the line before "certain death" but after simply "uncomfortable" when halting your crazy athletic endeavors?

With all of those recent articles about superhealthy marathoners dropping dead on their runs (like this one in the NY Times), it makes you wonder if running while wheezing is really worth it. I mean, those guys weren't even feeling badly! Geez.

So here are a few things to help you cope with your sickness, should you decide to shun your body's "love me, nurture me, let me watch TV and drink soup all day and suck on nasty tasting things and pretend it's helping somehow" signals and go do your workouts:

• the Snot Spot--for those of you who just can't fathom using your sleeve, a friend, or who haven't learned how to SNOT ROCKET yet (read the article. You can thank me later.)


• an electronic foot warmer--you could try to stick one of these babies in your cycling shoes. But if your feet burn off, remember I didn't make you do it.

Or, if you just want to stay home, check this out:

• Buy What it Takes then write me and tell me that Peter Reid made you sad. He's one of the world's greatest athletes, but still a sad lone wolf. At least during his training days. So maybe that's why he kicks mucho bum (no late-night triathlete "socials" for him) but still. Somebody should've bought him a beer while he was in Tucson. Or something.


• Watch A Christmas Story. Because it's December, it's hilarious, and if you live somewhere like I do where the only snow you see is the soapy stuff that blows out of a compressor at regular intervals at the mall, it'll make you feel all warm and cozy being all nestled up on your couch in a blanket. And instead of thinking about being sick, you can plan how you're gonna get your best friend to lick a freezing metal pole.

I'm off to suck some more Halls and revamp training schedules so I can make everything up, even though in the bottom of my aching heart, I know I should just sleep. And I probably will. Oh yes, and work...

XMas Shopping for Your Beloved Triathlete

Triathletes. We are collectively known as a rather odd bunch. We take great pride in the odd ways we can inflict pain on ourselves, rise at hours of the morning previously unknown to mankind to begin said self-inflicted pain, and then do it all over again. Every day.

So what to buy a persnickety person who believes a Speedo Run in freezing temperatures with only a Santa hat for modesty is the perfect way to ring in the holidays?

Here are some ideas:

1. How about a sweet Time Trial helmet? Those of us who make fun of them secretly wish we, too, could look like the Rocketeer, and actually benefit from the milliseconds of time gained from its sexy, sleek formation. Check out the UvexFp2. Very hot. (Maybe hot on the inside as well? I've never worn one, only dreamt about it.)


2. Ever been doored? Do you wake up sweaty in the night, dreaming about someone in a parked Hummer on a street with no shoulder suddenly swinging open his ginormous monstrous door right in your face? Then you'll appreciate this awesome t-shirt. It'll be like an inside joke between you and your fellow triathletes.PS. Read about how getting doored enabled Tri Diva to pay for her Ironman entry here.


3. I mentioned it in the sickety sick entry, but the Snot Spot is quite possibly the funniest thing we all don't need but secretly want. One of Tri Diva's friends secretly refers to it as a C**k warmer. If you can fill in the two missing letters, you'll never look at this innocent piece of cloth the same way again.


4. Got some mega moolah to spend on your favorite trigeek? Check out the Garmin Forerunner 305. Smaller and far cuter than its predecessor, it'll be your triathlete's best training buddy. (Don't worry, if you were his/her former training buddy, I'm sure he/she will still let you come along with him/her and his/her 305. Sometimes.


5. Have a friend who's trying to grow a mullet in anticipation of the greatest hippie multisport event of all time:the Wildflower Triathlons? (No? Just me?) Well, not that I encourage mullets or anything, but I'm also not one to squish anyone's dreams. So for your (and my) very special mullet-making friend, might I suggest this book: The Mullet-Hairstyle of the Gods



(Just a subliminal message to Santa. Sorry.)

Well, I hope that gives you some ideas. More will be on the way! Because Christmas isn't the only time your triathlete friend would be most appreciative to receive uber-cool tri gifts!Ho ho ho!

Howdy Hot Athletes!

Welcome to Triathlete Diva!

Tri Diva's goal? To share the life of a triathlete. No, not an elite triathlete who trains, eats, sleeps, gets paid by sponsors, then trains, eats, and sleeps some more. This is a page for those of us who train, party, work, take a nap, train, find it hard to understand people who would not want to ride their bike 100 miles for fun on a Saturday, then blast all that hard work with a glass of wine...or two...or three! Oh yes, and try to balance a "normal" relationship, family obligations, work crises, sick, neglected pets, a love of fashion despite chlorniated hair and windburned skin, and PMS on top of it all!