Wednesday, December 20, 2006

When You're Not Worth $1

The entire holiday season is usually a time for sharing, generosity, and otherwise doing good deeds we were all too Scroogilicious to do throughout the rest of the year.

Following in this holiday spirit, most companies choose to reward their employees, whether with bonuses, raises, chocolate, cars, whatever.Moolah

But what can you do when your company refuses to even give you a $1 per hour raise? It's definitely not too good for the ego. Certainly not too good for employee morale. In fact, something like that might make a person "go postal". So, short of doing something eternally damning, what can you do to cheer back up--and not miss any workouts due to "seasonal boss-induced depression" (it's real!). Here are some suggestions:

  • pee in your boss's mullet wig (obviously, there are some restrictions to this your boss has to have a mullet wig, and you have to somehow obtain it from his pointy head)

  • cry into the arms of someone who loves you (a much better suggestion...soothing, although hardly revenge-oriented)

  • eat a Gingerbread house with someone who loves you (the "with someone who loves you" is key, here. You don't want to consume an entire house on your own. It'll only make you feel worse.)

  • cry to your Madre, explaining that an extra $1 per hour would've amounted to $160 per month which is almost the price of a triathlon these days. Because you refuse to do "sprint" distance triathlons because they are for wussies and people who run well. You don't run well. You don't do anything well. You are very very sad and want to crawl into a hole. To which the desired response is: "Oh, honey. I love you. I'll sponsor your next triathlon. You do do things well. Very well, indeed."

  • lift weights. And do the grunting thing the big boys do to annoy everyone in the gym. Your stored up anger will ensure an incredibly successful lifting session, and the grunts will satisfy your desire to piss someone off. (Unless you are a pacifistic kind of fella, in which case, most of this list will be utterly useless for you...but most triathletes are competitive. And challenging their ability to pay for races and other triathlon-related items is like having John Mayer challenge Hulk Hogan to a wrestling match. The challenger is gonna get it!)

  • Be thankful that Christmas is right around the corner, so someone will be around who loves you, who wants to give you things, and who will help you map out a game plan to a kick-butt season and a happier "daytime job" life!Happy Santa

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