Monday, December 18, 2006

Extremely Stupid things to Do When You're Sick and Have Any Intention of Getting Better...But Totally Worth It

1. Hang out with a friend you haven't seen in a year, go see a movie at 10:40pm, then continue to gossip and talk until 3am.

2. Start drinking at 1:30pm the next day, then strip down until you're only wearing a Speedo and a smile, and run around outside in rainy 60 degree weather in a very public area singing Christmas carols for 30 minutes. Continue to drink and socialize with other nearly naked people afterward.

3. Decide the Speedo Run didn't count as your "long run" as you so funnily said while drunk earlier, and embark on your long run in the pouring rain in the dark. Run approximately 10 miles at what you thought was a lightening fast pace, only to realize according to your fancy watch that it was the alcohol allowing you to believe such nonsense.

4. Take a shower, then meet up with boyfriend and his crazy college pals for an evening of more drinking, and dancing until 2am.

5. Decide even though you're coughing up a storm every time you stop moving and you're beat and buzzed, that you are somehow still sexy enough to pull off new hot panties bought earlier with long lost girlfriend and use them to seduce boyfriend. Do naughty things.

6. Sleep for approximately 6 hours, then decide it's time for a long ride. Since long ride buddies never called you back (probably also drunk from the night before, which is why they're your buddies, but they're giving into the hangover), ride 105 miles solo. Then run for 20 minutes slower than a toddler learning how to walk "just to see if you can". Wonder how the hell you're going to squeeze 24.7 more miles out of yourself in 3.5 months.

7. Sit and gorge self on giant Vons sandwiches and the gingerbread house you swore you wouldn't touch until at least after Christmas while frozen with post-workout freezies, then take shower and pass out for exactly 30 minutes. Why not longer? You've got places to be!

8. Dress up as girly as possible to counteract an entire day of sweating and shooting snot on yourself and across your face. Attempt to be incredibly hot despite inability to keep eyes open or head up so boyfriend can brag to college buddies. Drink a Red Bull so you're awake enough to get to the bar/restaurant where they are waiting for you.

9. Cheer as boyfriend and college buddies tear up the karaoke scene.

10. Drink some more.

11. Somewhere in there, lose your cell phone.

12. Pass out and drool on boyfriend.

Surgeon TriDiva's Warning: Activities above are listed only for reference. When combined with potential pneumonia and a desire to not be sick anymore, it is highly likely you will suffer for your free-spirited acts in the future.

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